Growing Pains

"There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel some day."

- Chuck Palahniuk

One of my friends has had this quote on her Facebook profile for quite some time. When I've read this in the past, I've never quite believed it. WELL, life, looks like you get to add a point to your scorecard, because never have I ever felt like this quote applied more to my life than it does right now.

Also, what is contained in this post may be involved in why I think I may be having a quarter-life crisis, but that deserves its own blog post. And I'm probably just overreacting. 

If you know me even a bit, you probably know that I count my friendships and other relationships among my greatest blessings. It's quite easy for me to get nostalgic when I start thinking about my past friends and my past experiences. Lately, being around all my friends who are graduating in December and entering the "real world" has made me realize how unprepared I am. Not unprepared in the sense that I don't have a clear plan of action for my goals when my time comes to graduate, but unprepared in that I have no idea how I am going to say goodbye to my friends.

Like a good son and brother, I went home this week for Thanksgiving to spend time with my family. I love being home, but what I don't like so much is being reminded of the past....old awards, pictures, letters....anything that reminds me of my days in high school. Not that high school was a bad experience for me. On the contrary, I loved high school, had lots of close friends, and probably wouldn't change my activities  even if I had a do over. I miss my friends a lot, and miss how carefree and fun life was back then...even with all the added drama that high school brings. I've kept in touch with a lot of my friends, but not as much as I should have. I saw high school graduation as just a step forward. I took my friendships for granted and figured that I'd stay best friends with all these people, no matter the distance. Even though there are lots of friends that I still talk to on a regular basis and see every time we're all home together for break, I've realized how much I've missed out on. I don't take the time to check up with them and see how day to day life is for them. It's only when breaking news hits that we talk, and catching up over the break is targeted towards summarizing a semester's worth of events into an hour....not much room for thoughtful discussion. And when I think of my high school activities....athletic training, church retreats, senior musical, and everything else I did, I experience the same dejected feeling, that feeling that I never took the time to stop and savor these life-changing and unique experiences. I just kept going. And going. And going. Until those experiences and friends were just a blur from the past. 

A few days ago, I received my internship placement for the coming semester in China. This served as a further reminder that I'd have to temporarily say goodbye to my friends and my activities for a semester before coming back to school for a year and then have to say goodbye AGAIN for good before graduating university. Reflecting on how I handled high school and being faced with the fact that these experiences won't last forever has placed a lot of stress and discomfort on me. But it's life and we've got to grow up, right? Life isn't meant to be stagnant. While I can't change how life is going to happen, I can change my attitude towards how it happens. Instead of adopting the "go forward and never look back" advice that I used in high school, I'm going to do all I can to truly enjoy and appreciate who has been in my life and what I've been able to do with them before I don't have that chance anymore. And I encourage everyone to do the same. Tell your friends you love them. Color in coloring books with them using a 94 pack of crayons. Watch a Disney movie with them instead of going out one night. Anything that gives you a chance to invest time in them. Because let's face it... life rarely happens in "big moments," so take the time to delight in the small details.