Growing Pains

"There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel some day."

- Chuck Palahniuk

One of my friends has had this quote on her Facebook profile for quite some time. When I've read this in the past, I've never quite believed it. WELL, life, looks like you get to add a point to your scorecard, because never have I ever felt like this quote applied more to my life than it does right now.

Also, what is contained in this post may be involved in why I think I may be having a quarter-life crisis, but that deserves its own blog post. And I'm probably just overreacting. 

If you know me even a bit, you probably know that I count my friendships and other relationships among my greatest blessings. It's quite easy for me to get nostalgic when I start thinking about my past friends and my past experiences. Lately, being around all my friends who are graduating in December and entering the "real world" has made me realize how unprepared I am. Not unprepared in the sense that I don't have a clear plan of action for my goals when my time comes to graduate, but unprepared in that I have no idea how I am going to say goodbye to my friends.

Like a good son and brother, I went home this week for Thanksgiving to spend time with my family. I love being home, but what I don't like so much is being reminded of the past....old awards, pictures, letters....anything that reminds me of my days in high school. Not that high school was a bad experience for me. On the contrary, I loved high school, had lots of close friends, and probably wouldn't change my activities  even if I had a do over. I miss my friends a lot, and miss how carefree and fun life was back then...even with all the added drama that high school brings. I've kept in touch with a lot of my friends, but not as much as I should have. I saw high school graduation as just a step forward. I took my friendships for granted and figured that I'd stay best friends with all these people, no matter the distance. Even though there are lots of friends that I still talk to on a regular basis and see every time we're all home together for break, I've realized how much I've missed out on. I don't take the time to check up with them and see how day to day life is for them. It's only when breaking news hits that we talk, and catching up over the break is targeted towards summarizing a semester's worth of events into an hour....not much room for thoughtful discussion. And when I think of my high school activities....athletic training, church retreats, senior musical, and everything else I did, I experience the same dejected feeling, that feeling that I never took the time to stop and savor these life-changing and unique experiences. I just kept going. And going. And going. Until those experiences and friends were just a blur from the past. 

A few days ago, I received my internship placement for the coming semester in China. This served as a further reminder that I'd have to temporarily say goodbye to my friends and my activities for a semester before coming back to school for a year and then have to say goodbye AGAIN for good before graduating university. Reflecting on how I handled high school and being faced with the fact that these experiences won't last forever has placed a lot of stress and discomfort on me. But it's life and we've got to grow up, right? Life isn't meant to be stagnant. While I can't change how life is going to happen, I can change my attitude towards how it happens. Instead of adopting the "go forward and never look back" advice that I used in high school, I'm going to do all I can to truly enjoy and appreciate who has been in my life and what I've been able to do with them before I don't have that chance anymore. And I encourage everyone to do the same. Tell your friends you love them. Color in coloring books with them using a 94 pack of crayons. Watch a Disney movie with them instead of going out one night. Anything that gives you a chance to invest time in them. Because let's face it... life rarely happens in "big moments," so take the time to delight in the small details. 

There is hope.

About a week ago, in her speech at the National Institute of Health, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton called for an "AIDS-free generation." You can view her speech here. The UN estimates that HIV spreads globally at a rate of 7,000 people daily. Yikes. Secretary Clinton urged the world to utilize current technological and medical advances like antiretroviral treatments to diminish the spread of this epidemic. In developing countries where government corruption runs rampant and funding for these programs and technologies are often embezzled and never reach the people who really need it, the future seems bleak.

However, a story that I recently came across reaffirmed my hope in life and all the possibilities for the future. This past June (yes I know I'm a little behind), the first case of what could lead to a great development against the spread of HIV/AIDS was exhibited. A man received a bone marrow transplant in Berlin back in 2007. He now shows no signs of a replicating virus and isn't even taking medications for the virus. Doctors believe this man will probably never have any problems with HIV. There is no way this solution could be applied to all of the world's population infected with HIV, but at least it's a start. This case has encouraged HIV/AIDS advocacy, along with more research for a cure. And while we may not be close to a cure yet, this discovery wasn't possible decades ago, and shows signs for incredible development.

In an age where our lives seem to be occupied with stress and insecurities, it's often easy for us to lose hope. Hope is one of the few things no one can ever take away from you, which is why I encourage you all in these uncertain times to keep your chin up and keep searching for that silver lining, because I promise you, it's there. Happy Monday :)

It's Okay

What was supposed to originate as a productive study night has turned into a reflection on my life. I guess Forensic Psychology can wait, right?

Lately, I've been forced to think about my future and what I want to do with myself after graduation. You're probably saying, "but Jacob, you're only a junior in college, you have plenty of time." But for those of you who know me well, I am a perfectionist, and as much as it screws me over time and time again, it's the truth.

I recently finished my State Department internship application. I think an internship with State is what I want the most in life right now. It's something that's kept me on track this semester and something that could advance my future career immensely. With that said, I've also been much more cautious about my actions. I've tried to make my actions as in line with a good State Department intern as much as possible....but I also like to have a good time with my friends, and sometimes that doesn't mix well.

This weekend was a bit too much fun, if that's possible. It left me feeling conflicted and entirely confused, which has lead me to this current state of thought. But after some self-reflection and talking to an amazing friend (who will hopefully guest blog here soon), I've come to a realization: it's okay.

I had one un-modest night. Okay. It doesn't change all the awesome stuff I've been doing. I'm going to China to intern next semester, and okay, I had one night of less than acceptable acts. Alright. It's okay. I can't stress over it. It happened. And now I'll learn from it. I have to focus on the good in my life right now or I'm going to miss it. By the time I stop stressing about my one indecent night, I'll be home from China and wonder what the hell I've been doing fretting about it for the past six months.

I'm sure the president had a Pint Summit or whatever the hell he called it where they drank pints of beer and discussed politics. And I'm pretty sure that Nancy Pelosi has slept with her husband, considering she's popped out some kids. And I'm pretty sure that people do exactly the same stuff that I've done. And it's not anything to be ashamed of or get upset over because guess what? I wasn't on the job. I can be a stellar intern and have exactly the position I want and it won't matter what I do off the clock. That doesn't affect who I am as an employee.

Unwinding made me feel like I was slacking, even though it's what I absolutely needed to balance the recent stress in my life.

My advice (okay, really my friend Sarah's advice) to everyone reading this, along with myself: Make a list. Write down everything you want to do in life, with academics, everything. And then put it in an envelope and hide it away. And just live life.At the end of next semester, look at it. And just cross things off. It's time to just breathe and relax and do what you want. You're doing an amazing job. Just have faith in that.

"It is necessary to the happiness of man that he be mentally faithful to himself."
-Thomas Paine